What If... (made reality)

I took my "What If..." from Garin Grist's "What if a zombie outbreak really did happen."

I'm not going to lie...I almost anticipate a zombie outbreak to happen sometime before I pass on to the next life. Whether it's brought on by some space comet that magically brings the dead back to life. Or maybe a viral infection that causes a thirst for blood. Or maybe god just wants to fuck with us and see who wins in a fight. In the back of my head, I have prepared myself to go this way - I'll meet my maker with a sizeable chunk missing from my jugular (but not before chowing down on a few unfortunate bystanders first).

After watching several zombie movies you can't help but think "What would I do in the same situation?". I think that's what makes zombie flicks so great. They don't even have to be of Romero quality for you to think about how exhilirating (scary) it would be to have a zombie army rampaging through your town while being stranded with only a can of cheez wiz, a lighter, and your smarts (or lack there of).

I would like to think that I would pass a zombie attack and live to tell about it. I would like to think that I would do exactly the opposite of what everyone does in the movies when a zombie "situation" happens:

• Lets go see what that crunching noise is in that ominously dark room. - No thanks.

• Hey lets pretend we're zombies, that could fool them! - Zombies aren't that dum.

• These soldiers with the guns can't help us, lets split off! - Um, I'm fine sticking with the guys carrying the boom sticks.

• OH $&%#!!! I left Dinkus my pet turtle at home...across town, we have to go back!. - I'll buy you a new Dinkus.

Of course the outcomes of these situations can be easily averted. But what if cutie-pie stupid face (you know, that one person out of the whole group who's too stupid too realize the gravity of the situation and usually ends up being a girl that has nice assests but lacks the brain cells) just couldn't help nab a free Gucci handbag from the recently ransacked fashion mall. Well she got a free $4,000 purse but little did she know ted the undead was giving away free bites with every bag. She somehow escaped but now has a non fatal bite wound...at least not yet.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH YOU NEED TO DITCH THE BITCH!

• Tell her you're going to meet up at one place but go somewhere else then gtfo (get the fuck out).

• Tell her that tomorrow is national sleep in day, recognized by humans and zombies alike, so you wont be getting up early to continue your journey to safety, then gtfo early morning.

• Tell her that it's just a flesh wound and there's nothing to worry about then gtfo right in front of her.

I know I know. She has looks that rival Jennifer Connelly and you had this crazy idea that you would get married, have a black labrador named Rosco, three lovely children, and live in a house just off the coast of Maine with the sounds of the surf beating against the rocks and the smell of the salty air to greet you every morning. But things are looking grim when she starts to see you as a meal in about...oh a couple hours or so.

So what I'm trying to say in short is that one must do anything in order to survive a zombie attack, even put a bullet in your best friends head in order to stem an outbreak within your survival party (or create some sort of collar and keep him/her as a zombie pet - not recommended).

Guild leader is bugging me to come raid Stormwind and I still need to buy some consumables for the vicious battles ahead so I'll leave you with the above.